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"Whisper Those Sweet Lies To Me Again, Those Sweet Lies That Make Me So Weak, Those Sweet Lies That Make Me Come Back To You Everytime, Even Though You Hurt Me Deep Inside...."

Safe and Sound in a New Year

It's another new year, and with every new year that begins we are able to say goodbye to an old year. A year where we did things and said things that we probably will regret, but also that helped to shape us and give us memories that will last forever. So this year I am planning on a lot of things, and expecting a lot of things, mostly changes and I am excited.

I may not be a new person, and definitely didn't have some kind of epiphany or self-realization on New Years Eve or Day, but I am on a road to recovery. A road to making myself healthy and happy, and working towards a future that is practical, serious...a road that will help to provide me with a place in the world beyond the place that I have carved out for myself through much digging and pleading and begging for a slight pinch of acceptance. Now, I am going to go and forge myself that place, and make it one that will remain until I am ready to move to another.

Love...yeah...I think it is funny, love is something that you never really see when you are looking for it, but you always find it when you aren't and then it is always in the least likely of places. I am not going to say that I am in love, but I do know that I love my friends and my family, they are the people who keep me hopeful that love is out there waiting. Who knows, maybe this year I will find what they call true love, heh...maybe?


The Deserving

Many deserve love, and many desire love...but are those two groups in anyway the same? I honestly don't know...I desire to be loved, I desire the love of one who maybe I shouldn't, but yet I go on with the love I have for him inside me still. Though just because I desire his love, am I truly deserving of it? Or of love in general? What do I truly know of love and it's mysteries? Other than the fact that love is one of the deepest roots of pain in my life, and possibly in the lives of many others.

Everyone is subject to love. Both the deserving and the undeserving alike, but who is to really decide who deserves love and who doesn't? Is it something that we as humans do in our own minds to feel superior to those who are having problems with love? "Oh they are having problems in their relationship, they must not deserve that person", tends to be a common thought amongst many people when they observe or know of two people who love each other and yet begin to fight.

"Love is a many splendid things.", but along with that quote you have to deal with the horrid and evil sides of love. Love can bring out jealousy in people, and being in love can make a person show their true self, even though you fell in love with the mask that they wore on the outside. That is when true love comes in to play, when you can love the person for everything about them...but there aren't many who have that sort of tolerance or patient, and therefore will never experience that type of love.

I know from my own experiences that I have been in love, but I don't think that I have ever experienced true love. And if I have,it did a good job of sneaking up on me and keeping itself there while I was unaware. Such is life though!

The Formerly Loved

There was once a girl, a girl who used to love, and was loved by many. She would always express her happiness to those around her, and was always willing to share a smile with one who needed it. Then one day, this girl fell in love with a boy (as many girls do), and it was the adventure of her life. For she fell in love with a boy that she could never have, and yet she still went on loving him anyway, no matter what the damage was to her heart or her mind.

She went on loving the boy, and he knew how deeply she cared for him. He never did anything to lead her on or to make her hope for anything in the future, but yet she hoped for it...she just wanted to see the smile on his face be from her, and not from someone else, even if it was only one smile. She became close to him, she fell harder for him, and turned to him every time she felt that her world was breaking...he comforted her, tried to repair her and care for her...but that just made her love him more.

Then the day came when the girl would be taken from the boy. The winds of fate, though for the best are often cruel, and they took her from the boy that she so cared about it. She would return home, and would be separated from the boy whom she cared about for some time, until fate deems that they should be together again, even if it is for a short time.

Now though, the girl sits in her new home that isn't really new to her. A home that she used to consider a prison, but is now trying to give another chance to. All the girl really wants is to know that he cares about her in some way, just to feel that in his voice or in a message that he could write to her. Though...it is probably too much to hope for...she will hope anyways...for that is what love does to the girl with the tortured soul.


What I Saw

I entered this world, and magic was real. All of those I knew were there, and many who I didn't. Yet you looked at me with those eyes, and I knew in that moment I was powerless against you. Nothing I could do, think, or even say was going to be enough to pull me away from you and that drawing power that you have over me. Your eyes, mind, body, soul seduced me in to a submission beyond the ones I had already experienced with you before. I looked around, and my eyes were only drawn to you, there was nothing and no one else around us...the world had become like a garden, and we were the only ones in it. You kept taking steps closer and closer and closer still, and I was powerless to escape your movements. I just stood there, watching, feeling your approach. Then you touched me...seducing me in to that lull that always seems to take over in your presence. Only you and me, in a garden you could almost call paradise...and then the fall that had happened before was to occur again...and in that fall, only darkness would prevail.



A Lost Letter

To You,

I never meant to be the one who would fall for you...it was never my intention to do so, but yet it happened all the same. I tried not to let it, and to prevent my feelings from getting in the way, but in doing so I just admitted that they existed. I didn't want them to, I didn't develop them on a whim, they just grew as my life became chaotic. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul...they just turned to you for the healing and the care that they desired, never caring for what the consequences could be.

So I am another victim at your feet, another one who lays there wanting your attention, your affection. The victim of my own feelings, and a victim of my own creation. It never had to be this way, but I let the emotions get the better of me, when I should have tried to remain strong. Instead I crumbled, and succumbed and surrendered to the emotions that you invoked in me unknowingly.

May it all end in a way...where the smiles can still light up the faces of those around us.

I love you, always.


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November 2007


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The Basic Welcome

If you aren't on my friend list already, and you read some of these entries you may get a little confused. If you want to get the whole story on the "Sweet Lies" saga, as I call it, friend me. Either message me, or leave a comment on the most recent entry you find.

Reason behind this is because, I like my privacy as much as the next person, but there are certain parts of my life that I don't mind everyone hearing about, so I go back and forth between "friend's only" and "public".

As I said, you want the whole story about me, send a signal!
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